NotSoClassic Fairy Tales
by Shadow Jaganshi
Summary: Rurouni Kenshin versions of all those fairy tales you may or may not have heard when you were or were not a little kid.
1. Three little pigs or something similar

This took me about ten minutes to write... Anywho, it's just a random strange thing... That's random and strange... And stupid... Oh, by the way, if any of these stories are way off track... like... the whole thing is wrong and 'that's not how it happened, baka!' Just gimme a break. I'm 14, and I haven't heard any of these stories in like... Ages. Since I was five or something. So the point is, since I can't even remember yesterday, how d'you expect me to remember fairy tales?

So let's start it out easy.

**"The three little pigs... or samurai... or something."**

Once upon a time, there were some pigs. There was pig Sanosuke, pig Kenshin, and pig Hiko XIII. Well, these pigs decided they didn't like living wherever they'd lived before, and built some houses.

"I built my house out of straw," said pig Sanosuke.

"I built my house out of sticks," said pig Kenshin.

"I built my house out of stone since I don't know if bricks were common building material in 1880," said pig Hiko XIII.

Well, one day, these pigs were just sitting in their houses sharpening swords or something, when along came a wolf. He was named Saitou. Well wolf Saitou wanted to eat some ham. Or bacon. So he said...

"Hey, moron pig Sano--"

"NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY...er... head?"

"Your funeral," said wolf Saitou, and he threw his cigarette on the straw house. It burst into flames. Well-done pig Sanosuke made a nice meal, but wolf Saitou was still rather hungry, so, he walked about three feet to pig Kenshin's house.

"Hey, pansy! Open your damn door!" said wolf Saitou. "I need some sugar!"

And pig Kenshin replied, "No! Last time I gave you sugar, you were on a high for weeks! Er... I mean.. Not by the non-existant hair on my chinny-chin-chin."

Well, wolf Saitou was out of cigarettes, so he said, "Then I'll just butcher this innocent little kid out here." 

Or course, there was no little kid, but pig Kenshin was stupid and fell for it. He shot out of his house so fast he knocked it over. It spontaneously burst into flames.

"Fool," said wolf Saitou. He drew his sword. Pig Kenshin ran to pig Hiko XIII's house and knocked on the door.

"SHISHOU!!! THERE'S A WOLF OUT HERE AND HE WANTS SOME SUGAR!!! Oh, he also wants to eat me, but I guess that's superfilous information since really, I don't matter. I have to make everybody else happy before I can even realize I exist."

Well, wolf Saitou was kind of confused by this and just stood there. Pig Hiko XIII opened the door and dragged his deshi into his stone house. Wolf Saitou said something rather rude and threw his shoe at the door.

"Baka pigs! I'll get you somehow!"

So, wolf Saitou picked up his shoe and stalked off into the forest to make a plan. While he was there, he followed some little girl in red and ate her grandma. Of course, some woodsman came along and cut him open, took out pig Sanosuke (who instantly ran to pig Hiko XIII's house) and the old lady, so wolf Saitou was still hungry. He sewed himself closed and went in search of something explosive.

The next day...

"HEY YOU RETARDED HAMBURGERS!" wolf Saitou yelled. A window opened.

"Hello, wolf Saitou! Figured out how to--" pig Kenshin started, but wolf Saitou rammed a hand grenade into his mouth.

"Yes." Wolf Saitou then pulled the pin and hit the dirt. A second later, the entire establishment blew up, along with 80 square feet of ground and forest around it, as this had been a nuclear hand grenade, and really, wolf Saitou had not benefitted in the least from its use. So he moped away and ate some little kid in a field who kept yelling about wolves.

Owari.

Short, I know. ^_^ But hey, there's more fairy tales on the way. Take a chill pill. Anywho, dictionary: 

shishou-master

deshi-student, apprentice

baka-idiot, fool, stupid, etc 

owari-end


	2. Goldylocks and some bears

More random strange stupidity.

Next... Another three.

**Goldylocks and the three bears **

**(the gorified version)**

Once upon a time... Now wait. Who's to say once was upon the time? Why couldn't it be once underneath a time? Let's try that again.

Once underneath a time, there was a cabin in the forest, which had somehow been built by bears. Three bears, more precisely. Three bears that liked to eat porridge. There was papa bear Saitou, mama bear Sanosuke, and baby bear Kenshin. Well one day, they let baby bear Kenshin cook their much-cherished porridge.

"Wait one minute!" said Sanosuke, who, by the way, was wearing a dress and a bonnet.

... I'm waiting. This better be good, cuz it's not in the script, you know.

"First off, doesn't it make more sense for a mother bear to be a _woman?"_

Yes, well it just so happens they were all too busy painting their nails to answer the phone. So you're stuck with it.

"Second, if you're going to force me to be mama bear, why can't somebody else be papa bear? Why can't papa bear be a woman, at least? I mean, honestly. Two guys can't have kids, nor would we _try_."

Meanwhile, at that comment, Saitou started looking rather sick.

"And besides, I'm older than Sanosuke, de gozaru... wouldn't it make more sense to have him be baby bear...?" Kenshin asked.

With that comment, Saitou looked absolutely disgusted and ran out of the room with his hand over his mouth. 

"I guess Saitou doesn't like that idea too much."

THAT'S IT. TAKE TWO!

Well one day, they let baby bear Kenshin cook their much-cherished porridge.

"This porridge is too... um... hot..." said papa bear Saitou, not even touching the porridge and barely even looking at it.

"Let's go for a walk and see if we can lose the horrid cook in the forest. Then when we get back, we'll have some quality time alone togeth-- WAIT! WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS SCRIPT!?" said Sanosuke, hurling a crumpled piece of paper out the window. Saitou turned green again as he looked at his script.

"This is degrading."

TAKE THREE!

"Let's go for a flipping walk and see if we can lose the damned cook in the frikkin' forest. Then when we get back, THE PORRIDGE WILL NOT BE SO HOT ANYMORE AND WE CAN EAT IT," said mama bear Sanosuke, looking peeved.

"Snarl."

The three bears walked out the door. The idiotic baby bear Kenshin stupidly left the door hanging wide open, and Goldylocks Yahiko skipped right inside, singing happily and smiling. He skipped into the kitchen.

"Mmmmmm, porridge!"

Goldylocks Yahiko promptly devoured all the porridge, not caring whether or not is was hot or cold. He then skipped into the living room and found three chairs. He sat in the first one.

"Ooohhhh, back massage and temperature control!"

The chair spontaneously combust because Goldylocks Yahiko turned the temperature control up all the way. He then skipped to chair number two and sat down.

"This chair is too... Eek! It smells like B.O.!"

Goldylocks Yahiko left a butt-imprint in chair number two and went to chair number three, which turned out to be nothing more than a pillow on the floor.

"This chair is too... ground-level and un-chair-like."

When Goldylocks Yahiko left the pillow on the floor, a seam on the side burst and all the stuffing came out.

"I'm tired," said Goldylocks Yahiko. He went into the bedroom, and saw three beds (or futons... whatever they slept on in 1880 Tokyo. But let's not get technical please.). He looked at the first one.

"This bed looks evil." He sat on it and his butt burst into flames. He ran around screaming and sat on bed #2. It burst into flames. He dove onto bed #3 and fell asleep instantly.

Well, a few minutes later, papa bear Saitou came back into the house dragging the other two, both of them bleeding from the nose and mouth and both of them sporting black eyes and large bumps on their heads.

"Um... intermission?"

*whistling*

"The porridge is gone."

"Somebody ate all my porridge."

"My porridge is gone as well, de gozaru."

"Who cares? It probably would have tasted bad anyway."

"Hai."

They walked into the living room.

"Somebody's been messing with the temperature control on my chair."

"Somebody with a big butt sat in my chair."

"Somebody ate my pillow stuffing."

"I'm kinda mad now."

"Hai."

They walked into the bedroom.

"There's a scorch mark on my bed that resembles the butt mark in your chair."

"My bed is burning."

"My bed has a little kid on it."

"KILL IT!"

"HAI!"

Blood splattered everywhere as Goldylocks Yahiko and baby bear Kenshin's bed were both butchered brutally by papa bear Saitou's Gatotsu and mama bear Sanosuke's Futae no Kiwami.

"I'll never be able to sleep in this house again! Wahhh!!" said baby bear Kenshin. He jumped out the window, bawling his eyes out, and ran away.

"Owari," said mama bear Sano.

YOU HAVE MORE LINES!

"I refuse to say anything else referencing me being alone with Saitou in a romantic way."

Saitou turned green again.

"Owari."

Curtain.

Owari.

There, that one was a bit longer. Sorry, I just had to write one to torture Sano and Saitou... People seem to write yaoi fics pairing them, so I just had to torture them. I torture all popular yaoi pairs... But I never write anything more than torture. Anywho, dictionary:

de gozaru-that it is, etc.

hai-yes

owari-end

futon-a mattress thingy or something.


	3. Jack and the beanstalk or Kenshin and th...

The tale of a bean

**Jack and the Beanstalk**

There was once this lady. Her name was Kaoru. She had a boyfriend. His name was Kenshin. They were very poor. They had a cow, and his name was Yahiko, but that wasn't helping them much, so one day Kaoru said, "Go sell this cow for a reasonable price at the market, lackey."

And Kenshin replied, "Yes ma'am." He left and took Yahiko to town, kicking and screaming. Kenshin walked up to a random man in the street and advertised his cow. This random man was cheap lil' liar Sanosuke.

"I'll tell you what, kid. I'll trade you these magical... eh... fishbones... for that scrawny cow."

"Noooooooo!!!" cow Yahiko screamed. Kenshin thumped him in the head with a wooden pole. Cow Yahiko passed out.

"Why are they magical?"

"If you throw them in a lake, they'll sprout into a giant... uh... seaweed-stalk, and at the top there will be a magical fish who lays solid golden eggs."

"Wow!!! It's a deal!"

Well, when Kenshin returned home, his girlfriend was less than pleased.

"YOU SOLD OUR LITTLE YAHIKO COW FOR FISHBONES? _FISHBONES_?! WHAT GOOD WILL _BONES_ DO US?"

And she promptly threw them out the window. They landed in a miniature lake... about the size of a puddle... outside the window, and POOMF! instantly sprouted. Of course, Kaoru didn't notice cuz she was so ticked at Kenshin. 

"NOW GO TEND TO THAT CHICKEN!"

"But miss Kaoru, we haven't got a chicken...!"

"WELL YOU'D BETTER GET OUR COW BACK THEN!"

Well, little Kenshin was scared out of his wits and ran outside, promptly running head-on into a giant seaweed stalk. 

"Oro!?"

Well, little Kenshin started climbing up this giant water plant. After hours and hours, he finally, finally reached the top. He was surprised to see a humongous building the size of half of Tokyo.

"ORO! That man who I gave cow Yahiko to didn't mention anything at all about a giant building, that he most certainly did not!" Kenshin said. Then he shrugged. "Oh well. I can deal with it."

He squeezed under a crack in the door. He looked around and was surprised to see normal things like chairs were the size of a house. He oro-ed again and started walking, looking for the mythical golden fish. Suddenly he heard a booming voice.

"Free fries for rum! I smell the--"

That's not what the voice said.

"Well _excuse me,_ authoress, but I can't read your handwriting!"

Fee fi fo fum.

"Oh, well then screw that! I'm not gonna walk around yelling meaningless syllables at the top of my voice!"

Oh, fine. Anyway, so Kenshin heard a voice that said...

"I smell the blood of a cowardly ex-battousai!"

And Kenshin started shaking in his... sandals. He looked around and saw a gimongous shadow on the wall and screamed bloody murder and hid under an oversized crumb. A second later, a huge, evil-looking man stepped into the room.

"Where are you, sniveling coward? I shall smite thee!"

"Holy cow! I climbed a stalk of seaweed up to heaven!" Kenshin yelped.

"Uh... sure you did. Anyway... SURRENDER OR BE SMITED! OR SMOTE. OR SOMETHING SIMILAR!"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ME FIRST!"

Soooooooooo... the giant man, whose name was Saitou, pulled out a greatly oversized cigarette and lit up a majorly oversized match, and pulled an enormously oversized vacuum cleaner out of a hugely oversized closet in the hallway.

"ORO!" Kenshin yelped. He burrowed deeper under the crumb.

"Muwahahahaha!" giant Saitou laughed. He plugged in the enormously oversized vacuum and turned it on. He looked completely insane as he ran the machine over the stone floors of his castle, laughing insanely, waiting for the little 'thud' as the cowardly ex-battousai whose blood he'd smelled was sucked up into the vacuum. Well, he stopped, as suddenly he saw a splotch of purple where it shouldn't have been, and stomped on it. 

Kenshin managed to survive by being small enough to feet between the traction grooves on the bottom of giant Saitou's overly oversized boot. Then he got up and made a break for it. However, after three seconds, he was trapped under a large glass jar. Before he knew it, he'd been jostled around a whole lot, and ended up sealed in the jar and set in a windowsill.

"Muwahahahahaha! Maybe the sunlight will hit the magnifying glass on top in such a way that you'll be disintigrated! And if it doesn't then you'll just die of oxygen deprevation when I fill that jar up with water later. Muwahahahahaha!" giant Saitou threatened. Then he walked away. Kenshin drew the sakabatou he carried with him (why the hell Kaoru hadn't told him to sell the sword rather than the cow is beyond me) and struck a fighting pose.

"HITEN MITSURUGI STYLE... *incoherent screams as the glass shatters*"

Kenshin then sprinted across the room and ran around like a lunatic until he finally found the golden fish. Unfortunately for him... It was giant, just like everything else in the place. Of course, Kenshin had super mega ultra strength and picked it up (why Kaoru didn't order him to enter a strength competition for a money prize instead of selling the cow is beyond me). He ran to the door, kicked it in an attempt to open it, but it didn't work, and he screamed in fear as suddenly he heard giant Saitou's voice again.

"What...?!"

Well, Kenshin, thinking he was being spotted, turned around to look at giant Saitou. Only, giant Saitou wasn't very giant anymore, and there was a teenage girl beside him with white angry pupiless eyes and fangs and a katana. Suddenly, a cloud of dust surrounded the two. When it cleared a second later, Saitou was lying on the ground with swirly eyes, a huge bump on his head, and his tongue hanging out of his mouth. The girl was standing over him laughing insanely.

"Muwahaha! Muwahahahahahahaha! That'll show you to mess with the almighty authoress!!! Muwahahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Oro?" Kenshin said.

"Hai... Um... Intermission?" the authoress said nervously, trying to hide Saitou's mangled carcass under a rug.

TAKE TWO.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" came giant Saitou's voice. With a squeak of fear, Kenshin rammed the gimongous fish through a hole in the door, jumped through after it, and dragged it toward the edge of the seaweed. Giant Saitou came running after him. Kenshin threw the fish off the edge, dived off after it, reached the ground first (screw the laws of gravity), cut the seaweed, and was walking back to catch the fish when he experienced the pain of having a 200 pound goldfish fall on top of him from 2 miles up and ram him into the ground, closely followed by a giant weilding a sword, and then, to top it all off, the entire giant seaweed stalk fell and rammed them all at least 2,000 feet into the ground.

When Kenshin was finally dug out from under all that stuff, the first thing Kaoru did was beat the living crap out of him with a wooden sword for waking her up. Then she forced him to clean the entire house until she could see her reflection in the walls. Then suddenly the giant fish started pooping out golden eggs and they got rich. They bought some really big shackles and made giant Saitou their slave. Poor Saitou. Then... They lived happily ever after. Until...

Giant Saitou got REALLY mad, and killed them all and destroyed half of Japan with his Gatotsu. Owari.

Well that was strange. See, I don't know the exact details of this story. Could you tell? Muwahaha. Anyway... I... uh... I forget. Bye.


	4. Little Red Riding Hood who does not wear...

More genderbenders.

**Little Red Riding Hood**

who does not wear red, but purple...

Okay, so at one point at time in some forest or something, there was this little girl named little red riding hood. Well, this story requires a genderbender. And a colorblind authoress.

Once upon a time, there was little red riding hood, and though he really was a boy and wore purple, since he had long red hair, people thought he was a girl, and that his hair was a hood or something, and therefore, he was a she. But since he is a he, I will refer to him as he in this story. Now.

Little Kenshin who did not wear a riding hood of any sort, red or not, lived with his mother Megumi in the forest. Well, one day little Kenshin (who, from this point on will be referred to as Kenshin-chan cuz it's easier to type) was minding his own business, smelling flowers and whatnot, when his mother came out with a basket.

"Kenshin-chan," she said. "Take this basket of goodies through the forest to your Grandma. She's ill and I think that a lot of sugary cookies and candy will help her be healed of the flu."

"Yes ma'am," Kenshin-chan said. He took the basket and skipped down the path into the forest. Well, about halfway, he met a wolf [of Mibu]. The wolf, named Saitou, stopped him and asked where he was headed.

"I'm taking this basket of sugary stuff to my Grandma so she can rot her teeth even more. She's got the flu and it's not enough that she's throwing up and has a fever of 103, I'm gonna give her a bunch of candy and chocolate and cookies and sugary sugary stuff," Kenshin-chan said, nodding.

"Really...? Well, I know a shortcut to your Grandma's house. Follow me."

"...Oro? How do you know where she lives?"

"I'm a wolf. I know these things."

"Oh."

"Come along, little... whatever you are."

So wolf Saitou led Kenshin-chan through the forest. Laughing to himself, the suddenly darted away, leaving Kenshin-chan lost in the forest with his basket of fattening, tooth-eroding foods.

"Muwahahaha," thought wolf Saitou. "I'll go to the Grandma's house and butcher her, then I'll take her place and butcher that stupid kid when he gets there. Muwahahahaha!"

So, shortly, wolf Saitou arrived at Kenshin-chan's Grandma's house. He opened the door and promptly closed it again just as a book slammed into it.

Grandma Sanosuke was inside with the authoress, obviously attempting to murder her.

"WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO PLAY THE PART OF THE WOMAN!?"

"Not always...! In 'Jack and the beanstalk' I didn't have you play a woman. I could have made you Jack's mother, but I- EEP!" the authoress said. There was another loud clatter as Sanosuke obviously threw something else. Saitou shrugged and opened the door. He promptly burst out laughing at seeing Sano wearing an old lady's nightgown and slippers.

Ten minutes later...

"STOP LAUGHING, IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!"

Saitou, lying on the ground with tears running down his cheeks, holding his sides in pain from laughing so hard, obviously thought it was funny.

"Grrr..."

Sanosuke pounced at Saitou, who dodged, grabbed his wrist, and threw him into a closet just as Kenshin-chan skipped into view with a bouquet of flowers, singing to himself.

Wolf Saitou quickly jumped into the large canopy bed. He refused to put on an old lady's hair net. There was a knock at the door.

"Grandmaaaaaa! It's me, and I have some goodies that will make you feel better!" Then, without anybody's permission, Kenshin-chan opened the door and skipped inside. "And I brought you some flowers."

"... Ergh."

"... Are you okay?"

Wolf Saitou didn't have a chance to answer before Kenshin-chan continued.

"Wow, Grandma, what narrow eyes you have! And they're gold! Like a _wolf's."_

"... I got contacts... You know... Old people have bad eyes..."

"Oh. And what a big nose you have!"

"... Do I really have a big nose?! It's not that big, is it?"

"... I don't know. It's in my script."

"Well that's comforting. You're supposed to say 'no' you baka."

"No, you baka."

Saitou opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, the almight authoress spoke. Or spake.

"GET BACK TO WORK, LACKIES!"

"Yes ma'am," Kenshin-chan said, bowing to no one in particular, being as she hadn't shown herself. "And you have FANGS, Grandma! You're not my Grandma! You're a CANNIBAL!"

"... I suppose, if you want to think of it that way..." wolf Saitou muttered under his breath. Then he jumped out of the bed. "No, I'm a WOLF, you baka, and I _don't like flowers_. I've got bad allergies."

"Really? What did you do to my Grandma, then?"

"I threw him-- _her_ into the closet."

Kenshin-chan opened the closet door to find Sanosuke cowering with his hands over his head.

"I'm not a woman. I'm not a woman. I'm not a woman. I'm not a woman. I'm.."

"Well, apparently your Grandma's flipped her lid. Either that or she's a man," wolf Saitou said, shrugging.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

And Kenshin-chan ran away crying, leaving his basket of sugary goodies behind. Wolf Saitou looked at it for a second and picked it up. He sniffed it. He took a bite out of a cookie. It seemed safe, so he ate all the cookies. Only later did he realize they were extremely fiber-enriched.

Kenshin-chan skipped home screaming that his Grandma was a man. His mother Megumi beat him over the head with a baseball bat and all he could say after that was "goo-goo oro gaa gaa oro."

Owari.

... I don't remember writing half of this. I don't remember thinking about what to write, it just kinda ended up on my screen without my permission. I don't think that's a good thing.

Oh, and if you're wondering, yes, I am continuing work on all my other stories, **except** the Christmas one for the time being, because I have TOO MUCH TO DO, and besides, it's past Christmas.


	5. Cinderella

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

**Cinderella**

Muwahahahahahahahaha...

Aye. So, once upon some time, there was this girl named Kaoru. Of course, that was her real name. Her evil evil stepsisters and stepmother who made her their slave called her Cinderella because she was always covered in ashes and dirt and all that whatnot, and overall, she just looked quite unpresentable. Well anyway, one day Cinderella-Kaoru was looking especially grubby, when some guy came to the door.

"Answer that!" snapped Cinderella-Kaoru's evil stepmother, Megumi.

"Make me!" Cinderella-Kaoru shot back. Stepmother Megumi did just that. She dragged her over to the door, put her hand on the knob, turned her hand, and pulled the door open.

"There! I made y..." he voice trailed off as she saw who was at the door. A young man dressed in rather expensive-looking clothes was standing at the door. He had brown spiky hair and brown eyes.

"Hello. I am a messenger from the castle," he said.

Upon hearing those words, stepmother Megumi shoved Cinderella-Kaoru out of sight and the two evil stepsisters, Misao and Yahiko, crowded at the door beside their mother.

"Uh... Yes. His majesty Prince Kenshin is having a ball this tomorrow night. He's hoping to find himself a bride. All the ladies in the city are invited." 

"Oh! This is amazing!" said stepsister Misao, fanning herself. "I think I might pass out!" And she did just that.

"... Anyway... It's this tomorrow night from eight until whenever he decides it's over. We hope to see you there." Messenger Sanosuke bowed slightly, turned on his heel, walked to the street and mounted a beautiful (very expensive-looking and well-groomed) black horse and rode away.

"I don't know about you, but I think the messenger would be just as good to marry as the prince," stepsister Yahiko said.

Oooooooooooooooooooookay...

"What? He's just a messenger! Think of all the money the prince would have! Think of how much he could buy us! Think of how spoiled we would be!" stepsister Misao said, suddenly awake and fine again.

The three had a collective sigh, what with the sparklies and fluttery eyelashes and hearts for eyes. Then stepmother Megumi looked evil and pointed at Cinderella-Kaoru.

"You! You are most definitely NOT going to that ball tomorrow night. You will stay here and you will clean the ENTIRE house, wash ALL the clothes, make ALL the beds, and there better be a warm bath ready for each of us when we get back!"

Cinderella-Kaoru burst into tears and ran away.

Well, the next night at eight, all the evil step-family-members went to the castle in their most expensive dresses. Cinderella-Kaoru started mopping the floors. After about half an hour of that, she broke down and cried for half an hour or so. Until suddenly, her fairy god... um... mother... appeared... only... it was a guy.

"Stop crying, kid," he said. Cinderella-Kaoru looked up and screamed, because her fairy godmother was: 1) a guy and 2) looked evil, what with the gold eyes and evil frown.

"Who are you?!"

"I'm your fairy godmother."

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I got the wings and everything." The man, who, if you couldn't figure it out, was named Saitou, turned around. He had tiny little fluttering wings on his back.

"Okay... SO... Why are you here?" Cinderella-Kaoru asked.

"Because I'm going to get you to that ball."

"Really?! But... I can't go! I don't have anything to wear, and I have no way to get there!"

Fairy Saitou sighed. "Come with me." He led her out onto the front lawn.

"Um... This hasn't solved my problem," Cinderella-Kaoru said.

"Learn some patience, child!" Fairy Saitou snapped. He waved a cigarette. A second later, Cinderella-Kaoru was decked out in a beautiful kimono and glass sandals.

"Oh, wow... Thank you!"

"And here's your transportation," Fairy Saitou said. He waved a cigarette and poosh!, a carriage appeared, pulled by a white horse and driven by some guy in a long white coat named Aoshi.

"Thank you, thank you!!!" Cinderella-Kaoru cried. "I'd hug you, but I'm still scared of you."

"Whatever. Look, all this magical whatnot will vanish at midnight, and that includes your clothes. So, unless you want to end up at the Prince's ball naked, I suggest you get home before then."

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Okay."

"Now get into that carriage thing and go dance with that stupid Prince."

Cinderella-Kaoru was rather scared now, so she turned and jumped in the carriage. Driver Aoshi kicked the horses into gear and sped off.

Well, when Cinderella-Kaoru arrived at the ball, she was instantly swept off onto the dance floor by none other than Prince Kenshin himself. They danced all night and were very happy. Luckily, Cinderella-Kaoru never saw any of her evil stepsisters or stepmother. 

Around 11:45, Prince Kenshin took Cinderella-Kaoru out onto a balcony type thing and kissed her. And she was so stunned by this she just stood there staring at him. For fifteen minutes. Then some bells started chiming and she screamed and ran away, yelling something about evil fairy godmothers, and leaving Prince Kenshin standing there, dumbstruck. Finally he got back his senses and went after her.

"Wait! Kaoru-san!!!" he yelled, running through the hall after her. She ignored him and went out the front castle doors. The clock bells were on their 8th ring. She had four more rings before everything magical would go poof, including her clothes. She was so preoccupied counting rings that she fell down the front stairs--all 40 of them. On the way down, she lost one of her sandals. She ignored this and kept running. She jumped in the carriage on the 10th ring. It started down the street full speed. She was almost home when it vanished and she fell on her butt. She was startled to see her fairy god... er... mother... nearby watching and laughing at her. She was starting to think he was more of a fairy god_witch_ or something.

Luckily, it seemed fairy Saitou had lied about the clothes, because she managed to keep those until she got inside.

She collapsed in a little pile on the ground, back in her ugly dirty yucky icky gross disgusting filthy clothes and cried.

The next morning, she had to put up with 3 hours of lectures and scolding before she was sent off to do backbreaking work until her fingers bled. She was scrubbing the house with a toothbrush when the messenger from the other day came to the door. She opened it and he smiled kindly at her, despite her extremely unpresentable condition.

"Hello," he said. Cinderella-Kaoru was promptly shoved out of the way by her stepmother.

"Hello," she said sweetly. Obviously she'd changed her thinking to be along the same lines as stepsister Yahiko's, since she hadn't gotten a single glimpse of the Prince. There was a bit of a seductive hint in her voice as she said, "Can we help you?"

"Perhaps. The Prince is looking for the girl who can fit their foot in this." He produced the glass sandal from inside his jacket. "Whoever that girl is, he will marry."

Well, of course nobody's foot fit in it. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't fit in the sandal. So, messenger Sanosuke was about to leave when he caught a glimpse of Cinderella-Kaoru.

"What about her?" he asked stepmother Megumi.

"She's nobody. She wasn't even at the ball. It won't fit her."

"Ma'am, I have to check with every girl. If you would, miss..."

Cinderella-Kaoru was dumbstruck. She knew the sandal would fit her. She was going to marry the prince. 

She tried on the sandal. It fit perfectly.

She was shipped off and married the prince and they lived happily ever after.

Owari.

Sorry. It got too long, in my opinion, so I didn't want to drag out the reactions of the step-family-members, but to make it short, they died of misery.


	6. Hansel and Gretel

Some little kids...

**Hansel & Gretel**

Bread crumbs of some strange foreign variety.

Once beside a time (not upon), there was a little happy family living in the middle of a big forest. Father Sanosuke and Mother Megumi had two kids, Hansel-Yahiko and Gretel-Misao. Mother Megumi was actually Stepmother Megumi, and she hated Hansel-Yahiko and Gretel-Misao, because they were a huge distraction and since they lived in a one-room cabin, she never had any "free time" with Father Sanosuke unless she dragged him out into the forest, which she didn't like to do, because she was in bad physical condition and walking made her so tired she fell asleep the second they stopped.

SO, Stepmother Megumi, evil as she was, made a plan to get rid of the two kids. When Father Sanosuke traveled out of the forest to the nearest village to get supplies, she gave the kids a basket and said, 

"Dear little children, go into the forest and gather berries. Don't come back until this basket is full."

The kids looked at the basket.

"But Stepmother, we could fit a horse in this basket!" Gretel-Misao complained.

"There is a place deep in the forest where huge berry bushes grow. They could fill ten baskets this size. Find that place and fill your basket. Off you go," Stepmother Megumi said, shoving the two kids into the forest.

"Did you bring something to leave so we can find our way back?" Gretel-Misao asked Hansel-Yahiko once they were out of their stepmother's sight.

"Hai!" Hansel-Yahiko chirped, pulling a loaf of bread out of his kimono thing.

"Good! Let's go, then," Gretel-Misao said.

They walked for ages, leaving a trail of broken bread crumbs all the way. Finally, after their basket was full, they turned around and started back down the trail. After a few feet they saw four bird... guys... crawling around on the ground eating the bread crumbs they'd left. The bird-guys looked up.

"YOU ATE OUR TRAIL!" Gretel-Misao screeched, throwing the basket up the air.

"YOU FLUNG OUR BERRIES!" Hansel-Yahiko screamed. Instantly, the four bird-guys swarmed over to the spilled berries and started chowing down on them. Gretel-Misao beat a particularly harmless-looking one wearing a purple kimono in the head with her basket until he fell over with swirly eyes. The other three bird-guys, one in a blue police uniform and two in long white coats (one coat with a red collar, one with a yellow collar; if you can't figure out who they are by that, you're not a big enough Kenshin fan), ran into the forest flapping their... arms...

"Now what?" Hansel-Yahiko asked. Gretel-Misao turned to him and stared.

"We walk in the general direction of 'home'," she said. And they walked in the general direction of "home."

And they walked.

And they walked.

And they walked some more.

And guess what?

They kept walking.

_Finally_, after ages upon ages beside ages of walking, they came to a clearing. They saw a cottage at the other side, and as they got closer, they saw it was made of candy. They walked to the door.

"Should we knock?" Gretel-Misao asked.

"Yes!"

So Hansel-Yahiko knocked on the door. After a second of waiting, the door opened. The two kids saw something that had to be a witch. She was wearing a kimono that was slightly ripped, and judging from the smoke billowing out of her house and the smell, she was making some kind fo strange potion (or dinner).

"Ahhh! It is so rare that I get visitors!"

"We're lost and it's getting late. Would you mind letting us stay the night at your cottage?" Hansel-Yahiko asked.

"Of course! Come in, little children! You must be tired!"

"What is your name, if you don't mind me asking?" Gretel-Misao asked.

"Kaoru," the witch-lady answered. "And you are?"

"Hansel-Yahiko."

"Gretel-Misao."

"Pleased to meat you! Er... meet you!"

And the two kids went into the witch's smelly smoky house. And before they realized anything, Hansel-Yahiko was sitting in a cage attempting to eat something that looked like it might have been rice at one time, and Gretel-Misao was sweeping the floor with a feather.

Hansel-Yahiko stopped eating. 

Witch Kaoru noticed he never ate her cooking, and so she started feeding him her cottage walls to make him fat. And boy, that worked good. 

In a few days, Hansel-Yahiko was the size of a whale and Gretel-Misao was skinny as a toothpick and still trying  to get all the dust and dirt off the floor with a feather.

"Don't you see what she's doing to you?" Gretel-Misao asked one day when Witch Kaoru let them out of her sight for a second and a half. Hansel-Yahiko was sitting in his cage stuffing his face with some strange candy.

"Feeding me."

"Well DUH, baka! But she's making you fat, and I've seen her looking through books titled 'How to Serve Your Prisoners' and 'Little Kid Cookbook' and the like! She's going to eat you, brother!"

"At least I'll die happy."

"BAKA!!!"

"Stop talking! Start working!" Witch Kaoru yelled, walking back in.

Well, a few days later, Witch Kaoru decided that Hansel-Yahiko was nice and fat, so she took him out of his cage and led him to the stove, snickering evilly. Gretel-Misao ran into the room.

"DON'T FRY MY BROTHER!" she screamed, doing some kind of leap-kick thing and sending Witch-Kaoru into the stove instead.

A few seconds later, the door of the cottage burst open and Father Sanosuke came in. Then he looked around and wondered why the door was the only part of the wall left. Then he saw his son, lying on the ground, round as a beach ball. His jaw dropped.

"What happened?!"

"Hansel-Yahiko ate the house," Gretel-Misao said dryly. "Gasp! Father!" And she ran and hugged him. Hansel-Yahiko couldn't get on his feet to hug him, so had just stayed where he was and tried desperately to see through the folds of fat around his eyes.

They went home, Gretel-Misao walking beside Father Sanosuke, Father Sanosuke rolling Hansel-Yahiko up the hill, and Hansel-Yahiko being rolled up the hill by his father. When they got home, they fed Stepmother Megumi to Hansel-Yahiko, and since his eyes were covered in folds of fat, he didn't realize he was eating his stepmother.

Sorry Megumi fans. She's no longer with us. Gasp. She might be back in the next fairy tale. If you have any suggestions, feel free to... suggest them... O_o

I think this is my longest chapter thingy yet… Woo.


End file.
